To a long lost friend

This post is a little bit different. It’s a letter -kind of like the one I posted years ago– These are the things I want to tell someone who hasn’t been in my life in a long time, but I miss them so much sometimes that I wish I could see them at least one more time.

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Hi, friend.

It has definitely been a while. I’ve asked a lot of people about you and no one seems to know anything. I wonder if you are okay, if you have finally found what you wanted to do with your life, or if you always knew and never shared it with the world. You never shared many of your thoughts and dreams, only pieces. I probably overshared, but you always -or at least most of the time, when we weren’t fighting- listened.

I remember our last conversation- or at least where it was and how it felt. Do you? Probably not- I’m well aware you were a bigger part of my life than I was of yours. It felt peaceful, friendly again, like it hadn’t been in almost a year -or probably more. Sadly, I do not remember what we talked about- it has been 5 years since that day, and I would have paid more attention to it if I had known I wouldn’t see you again.

I wonder if you know that I do not want to be a doctor anymore -or at least a medical doctor, and that I’m studying to be a pharmacist. Can you believe this? -I most certainly wouldn’t… Did you hear about that?

I wonder if you know that I finally got to go to a Taylor Swift concert! That I made my dream come true- I remember you bought me Speak Now as a birthday gift-, and that I faced my fear of traveling alone. I wonder if you know that I don’t read as much anymore, that I don’t have the time, and that this makes me so sad I want to cry sometimes.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciated our friendship- no matter how much we fought- and that you are one of the people I care the most for, even after 5 years.

Anyway, I miss you. And part of the reason I keep my social media updated and public is because if you somehow found me, you’d be able to know how I’ve been, if you cared. Now that I think about it, it seems like a lomg shot. You abandoned social media long ago, and it seems unlikely that you would come back, but still. Hope never dies, I guess.

I hope to see you again someday, and that I get to tell you these things in person. I miss you so much!

Natalie

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(And I just realized this post sounds like they’re dead. For the record- no, they’re not. They just haven’t been in my life for years, and I am pretty sure I won’t ever see them again.)

 

Apologies.

Greetings. *dances my way into your Reader*

I’m back. You didn’t expect to hear (or read, for that matter) from me so soon, did you? *winks* I’m pretty sure this post won’t be as messy as the last one.

I also forgot to acknowledge that my (second!!) blogging anniversary was this past August. This has been a wild ride and I can’t wait for what awaits us, my dear followers!

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I have been thinking a lot about apologies and forgiveness lately. Sincere apologies are hard to come up with, unless you’re talking about me. (read my previous posts, for example. You’ll see most of them tagged with some sort of apology. 🙂 )

Me, 99.9% of the time.

I apologize about literally everything, from sneezing to accidentally bumping with someone. It’s second nature to me. It’s a wonder I don’t apologize for breathing!

There were lots of times when I apologized for things that were either:

1. Outside my control
2. Part of who I am as a person

I have recently understood why I’m like this. It has to do with the fact that I always believed I was less than everyone else. Less smart, less clever, less funny. I felt like everyone had this chip or programming that helped them act on certain situations, and I didn’t. Others simply knew better and I had no choice but to follow. I did not understand why people acted in a certain way.

It was frustrating to always wonder why I was alone. This was why I felt like I did not deserve to have friends (or at least, that I had to come out of my usual behavior or way of thinking to have them.) I felt like I had to apologize for simply hanging out with them. Or stop being myself, in a way. More than one person has expressed their concern about this to me. Someone literally said they hated hearing the words “I’m sorry” from me.

their reaction when I immediately apologized for apologizing too much

And I got why. Eventually.

“Apologizing does not always mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”
― Mark Matthews

This quote has much to do with my previous MO when it came to apologies (even though I hadn’t read it before researching for this post). I say previous, because these past few years, I’ve learned a LOT about myself. I’ve learned what I like and what I don’t. Most important of all, I’ve learned that I don’t like feeling like less than other people. And most of the time I valued relationships/friendships more than I valued myself! I did not realize how much I was hurting myself. Having to apologize frequently… it took a bit of myself every time I did it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when an apology is needed. When not apologizing makes you literally an asshole. The person who apologizes shouldn’t feel pressed by the one who will receive the apology, though. (By this, I mean: you can tell the person directly that you feel hurt by what they did… after explaining what they did. But the apology should come directly from that person.) The whole point of the apology is that it has to be genuine, sincere… and pushing someone to apologize would take that away from it. It would be wrong, in a way.

Still, an apology is always a good way to fix things, and it’s nice to know that a genuine one can help rebuild a relationship. 🙂

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I am aware that this post might make me sound sort of selfish, but I’ve realized these things about myself along the way… and this blog is all about discovering myself. It’s interesting how, even being almost 21 years old, I keep discovering things I did not know, and somehow growing into a person I did not expect becoming… even though I sometimes realize I’m not as good a person as I thought before. Thanks for reading! 

Any thoughts? Suggestions? The comments are open! 🙂

Dear Friend: An Assignment.

Today’s assignment is to write to my dream reader.

This post should also include a new to me element, so I will have to work on that. This has been hard for me, since I haven’t been heard a lot, and I haven’t even considered that someone would want to.

Who’s my dream reader? I am pretty sure that I want someone to truly listen, so that is my goal.

Most bloggers want publishers to approach them… but I am not sure if I want that. My dream audience is one that will interact with me. I want a community, and something really close to friendship. That is who my dream reader is: a friend. So. What would I write to a friend? Maybe a letter? Yes. I can try that.

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Dear friend:

You are my dream reader. (You might laugh sarcastically because… why, of all the people in the world, would I want to write something for you.) It’s because I’ve never had a true friend before. The kind of person that would want to hear what I want to say, that would understand when I say I can’t go out. I wouldn’t have to make any excuses, and I wouldn’t be left out from your group. You. You are that person, that future person that actually cares. (Apart from my family, of course)

I do care about you. I don’t want you to assume I have a different sexual orientation (even if there’s nothing wrong with that) because I have been single for way too long. I don’t want you to stop talking when I talk about uncomfortable topics, and want you to understand when I stay silent because I want to listen to what you want to say.

I don’t want you to be mad at me when I act the way you act around other people, and am friendlier to them because I feel lonely. Because I have been feeling lonely. A lot. I want you to know how lonely it is to be me. To think there’s something wrong with me because I can’t interact well with people. To hide behind books (Because that’s what people think I do), because I can’t stand to be alone for so long. I have lived all my life like this. Thinking I have finally found someone who understands me, and then lose them.

I don’t think you know this. I hope you know how much I will appreciate your friendship, how long I have been waiting for friendship, and how insecure I will feel every time there’s a situation that threatens it. I will probably pull away because it will hurt more otherwise. I want you to know that.

In case you get to read this someday, friend, I want you to know: I love you. Thank you for existing, and I hope I get to find you someday soon.

Hugs,

Natalie.

Friendship and participation (?)

This is definitely not one of my usual posts… I just needed to vent a bit, you know…

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This is weird.

I started out this blog to push myself to participate further in life, and I have tried. But I don’t know… maybe I am not meant to have nice friendships or a social life. I have never had a healthy friendship. I don’t seem to know how.

Friendship has always seemed this foreign concept for me. No one has ever felt that burning compulsion to tell me anything about their life. (Apart from family). I have felt it, with several people, but they always seem to find someone better. Someone smarter, funnier, and with better possibilities, I guess. I guess what I’m trying to say is that… Wasn’t college meant to be better?

I mean, I am definitely not alone in life. I have friends, but no one considers me their best friend, and that has been something that has hurt me for a while now. I know I should get over that soon, but I can’t. Not while I have Facebook, or see their Instagram pictures of things they do while I am not there.
I am a natural sciences student, and I know that requires time but even my classmates (and former friends) find out ways to interact with each other. *shrugs* I wish I was a part of that.

How to feel better :)

Hello, there.

Right now, I am writing this blog as I am about to arrive to Uni to take my exam, and thinking about this makes me feel relaxed. This post is dedicated to one of my favorite blogs. You know who you are, dear.

1. Listening to music:
If you feel sad or anxious, all you have to do is listen to your happy playlist on my iPod. (If you don’t have one, make one. You will not regret it.) If I want to relax, I have a nice playlist with the songs that make me feel better, including my favorite artist: Taylor Alison Swift. (Seriously, her songs talk directly to my heart.) Right now I’m listening to Shake it Off 🙂

2. Eating pizza:
Pizza makes everything better. Some of that cheesy goodness just diffuses into my soul and helps me feel complete! My friends agree with me on that matter. We can each eat about a complete pizza all by ourselves. Okay, if you don’t like pizza, just replace it with your favorite food. Eat lots of it with no regret. You only live once, people! Eat your feelings for once!

3. Reading books!
Books are my life. Without them, I wouldn’t be who I am. I live vicariously through them. How do they make me feel better, you might ask. Well, just the smell of a book can make me eternally giddy and relaxed. Apart from that, words on paper just have this power over me. I just have to read them, and learn and live and just read. Read anything: be it motivational books, fictional books, textbooks, anything that makes you happy!

4. Watch TV Shows
Same concept as books, actually.

5. Walking around the neighborhood.
I usually don’t do this, but when I do, I immediately feel the benefits of a great walk. Exercising is fun, and even if I get extremely tired, it makes me happy. That’s especially if I have my family with me. They make fun of me because I have no physical condition… I wish I did, though. Just walk around, run around. You will improve your physical condition and release all that stress.

6. Talking to family and friends.
If by some chance you feel sad, family should be the first you tell. If not, a true friend will listen to you. I usually talk to my mom about anything, and if by some chance she were not available, my cousin is always there for me. Just find someone to talk to. Online friends also help. I have some of them, and I try to help as much as I can.

7. Writing your thoughts down.
Keeping a blog has helped me realize that my mind is more organized now. I can express my thoughts in a better way, and that way I can compartmentalize everything. If I feel sad and I don’t know why, I start writing everything down. That helps.

8. Do whatever you want.
If you want to dance, do so. If you want to talk to yourself, do it. When I was a little girl, I wasn’t afraid of anything. I didn’t care about social conventions. Honestly, that’s when I was happier. When you stop giving a f*** about everyone else, you will be free. Let it go, guys!

9. Just follow your goals, people.
Do everything in order for your life to be the way you want. Do not give up, EVER.

If you have anything else to add, comment it here. I want to know what you think about this, and what you do to be happy.