Today’s assignment is to write to my dream reader.
This post should also include a new to me element, so I will have to work on that. This has been hard for me, since I haven’t been heard a lot, and I haven’t even considered that someone would want to.
Who’s my dream reader? I am pretty sure that I want someone to truly listen, so that is my goal.
Most bloggers want publishers to approach them… but I am not sure if I want that. My dream audience is one that will interact with me. I want a community, and something really close to friendship. That is who my dream reader is: a friend. So. What would I write to a friend? Maybe a letter? Yes. I can try that.
You are my dream reader. (You might laugh sarcastically because… why, of all the people in the world, would I want to write something for you.) It’s because I’ve never had a true friend before. The kind of person that would want to hear what I want to say, that would understand when I say I can’t go out. I wouldn’t have to make any excuses, and I wouldn’t be left out from your group. You. You are that person, that future person that actually cares. (Apart from my family, of course)
I do care about you. I don’t want you to assume I have a different sexual orientation (even if there’s nothing wrong with that) because I have been single for way too long. I don’t want you to stop talking when I talk about uncomfortable topics, and want you to understand when I stay silent because I want to listen to what you want to say.
I don’t want you to be mad at me when I act the way you act around other people, and am friendlier to them because I feel lonely. Because I have been feeling lonely. A lot. I want you to know how lonely it is to be me. To think there’s something wrong with me because I can’t interact well with people. To hide behind books (Because that’s what people think I do), because I can’t stand to be alone for so long. I have lived all my life like this. Thinking I have finally found someone who understands me, and then lose them.
I don’t think you know this. I hope you know how much I will appreciate your friendship, how long I have been waiting for friendship, and how insecure I will feel every time there’s a situation that threatens it. I will probably pull away because it will hurt more otherwise. I want you to know that.
In case you get to read this someday, friend, I want you to know: I love you. Thank you for existing, and I hope I get to find you someday soon.