oh. It’s another post about love.

For a person who doesn’t know romantic love at all I surely write a lot about it…   I tried to prepare myself to write this with my romantic playlist.

Yes, this is an Anna and the French Kiss quote. It’s one of my favorite romantic books and Etienne St. Clair is one of the main reasons I have so many unrealistic expectations.

But then again, it’s Valentine’s Day! My Uni’s celebration was last Thursday, so everyone had it in mind –including my professors. You could feel the love in the air… or at least the smell of the roses and chocolate people were giving each other because they think they are in love.

Something like this?

My professor said something about this. Being in love isn’t the same thing than actually loving someone. Loving is a choice. You will eventually lose those neurotransmitters that made you attracted to the person in the first place. You will need to find tangible reasons to stay with them, and consciously decide to do it.

“I fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

Incredibly, that was not the first time this week I heard something like this. I had a conversation with someone that made me think about this… someone who said had always believed marriage was forever, but does not think so anymore. Marriage is hard, and it’s not only about love, but an actual compromise. It’s about being the person’s best friend, about never letting go, even if sometimes you might think you want to.**

**Not talking about abuse here (emotional or physical). Health is more important than having a partner who doesn’t appreciate you. Just wanted to make this clear. I was just talking about the times when you might think nothing is left but being next to each other for the rest of your lives.

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

I have always thought serious conversations must be had in early stages of the relationship, unless you want a deal-breaker event to suddenly appear just before getting married or even after. For example, I don’t think I will ever want children of my own. (Not because I don’t like children in general, I just don’t believe I will be good for them). That’s something I will have to talk over with my future partner… and make some accords with him, just as there will be things about him that we’ll have to talk about. And that’s okay… nothing and no one is perfect and will ever be.

 “You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

I don’t ever want to become one of these people who don’t believe love is not real, because deep in my heart, I know it is. (even if some of the time, I am also this person)

I believe in hard work, in showing with actions how much you actually love them. Don’t get me wrong –roses and chocolates are definitely nice, but when it becomes a mindless exercise, when you don’t give the actual giving part much thought, that becomes the problem. I have always believed Valentine’s Day is meaningless if you don’t show the person you love how much you love them during the other 364 –sorry, 365 on this year –days of the year. Be it with some help, with a kiss, with a hug, with some words written on a card (or even a funny video!), don’t stop making the choice of being in love with the person next to you. Believe me, coming from a person who has never gone through any of it, you’re experiencing a true blessing.

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Things I *insert heart emoji*

Reading posts like this always make me happy, as sometimes it is nice to be reminded of the things that we enjoy in life. I love going through the words knowing that the person is really excited about what they are writing. It’s one of the things I love the most about Tumblr, for example, or at least the fandom side of it -until they start fighting about things that don’t make any sense…- but I’m rambling now.

My second assignment for Writing101 is to make a list -of things I love, of things I have learned, or things that I wish. I planned on writing a post of things I wished I had told my younger self, but I decided on keeping it simple for today. I also wrote a post like this last September, so it’s nice to revisit it! This one is way shorter, but I have been busy… and I am already a day late on this assignment, so here it goes! *goes back to the study cave after this*

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1. How books make me feel. It might seem like a cliché, but it is true. For some hours, I can become someone else, learn new things and just immerse myself in new things. (Or even better, to reread a book I have loved for years. I could list some books like Graceling and Harry Potter in this category). This is  why I hate reading slumps so much -they take a really important thing from me, for months, sometimes.
2. How awesome my family actually is. Kudos to them for helping me become the person that I am. My parents have always wanted me to make my own choices, and if they didn’t agree or I just couldn’t do it they talked to me and helped me understand. Plus, my love for the natural sciences and reading is mostly due to my mom. My dad has always worked for us to have a good life, and I will always be grateful for that. Last but not least is my “little”, annoying brother. Sometimes I just can’t stand him… but he has always wanted the best for us. He has the best intentions. Oh, well. xD
3. My friends, however few they actually are: Seriously, these are people that can actually stand me in my good and not so good days, AND there’s no blood relation between us (unless we’re talking about that one blood oath… but shhh xD). But really, it’s impressive, and I appreciate those people, even if I don’t deserve them. AT ALL.
4. College (And I’m not even kidding here). It’s hard as hell and sometimes frustrating, but it’s one of the most satisfying things I have ever done. And I’m not halfway done with what I want to do, so I hope I can keep on feeling like this for however long I stay.
5. This blog: Lately I don’t post as much as I used to, but this course is definitely sending me on the right path. SB&ST has helped me through some hard times, and there are people who I know will always be there for me. I also consider those part of #3 on my list!

“Happily ever after, or even just together ever after, is not cheesy,” Wren said. “It’s the noblest, like, the most courageous thing two people can shoot for.”
― Rainbow Rowell, Fangirl

🙂 Hello. I’m feeling kind of happy today! Last week was kind of good for me, and I still have lots to do, but I’ll survive! ^.^

(Tomorrow I’ll finally be finished with my English class!)

Still, my happiness is the reason why I posted this cheesy quote. Happily ever after does exist. I have to believe it does. *smiles*

“There are so many worse things than death. Not to be loved or not to be able to love: that is worse.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Princess

Hi, guys! Yes, Quote Tuesday still exists, indeed! This is a very stressful week so I’ll just leave this here.

This is the first quote I have posted in a while, and I chose one of my favorites. 🙂

Just imagine what it would be to live without love. Nothing would make our lives more miserable. Love makes our lives seem better already…! (Not just romantic love, but family, and friendship. Those are important too!)

Relationships and Desirability (aka “Maybe I’m the problem?”)

I have already written about this, but I don’t care.

Hello, everyone. May I direct you to a previous post that has a lot to do with what I feel right now? Things haven’t changed at all since that day, so yeah…

Don’t get me wrong. I can see the perks of being single, and I am enjoying some of them, the sense of freedom, you know. I just have a lot of trouble feeling like I could be… what’s the word? Oh, yes, desirable. That someone could be with me because they actually like me. Like I said in the post I linked earlier, I have not fallen in love… yet, and although I have had a few offers (Yes, I’m using this word purposefully) to be in a relationship, I don’t feel they’re serious. (Besides, there’s always the “you like me, I like someone else” situation. I have talked about this with my mom. She seems to agree.) That has happened to me a few times, and I have had a hard time believing I could ever be in a relationship.

My friends don’t believe I’ve never been in a relationship before. My lab partner recently even used the word “gorgeous” to describe me. It’s not that I don’t believe her, it’s just that my whole life, people have never noticed me the way I want to be noticed. I was the bookworm, the one that always spent her time alone at the library because people did not understand how much I loved books.

When my brother was talking to us about his experience with relationships, (yes, my “little” brother) my mom talked about how people his age tend to play with the idea of love. I told my mother I didn’t go through that stage, and she said I did. That there was this person I could have been with in high school and he could have thought I wasn’t the one because of which books I liked and how we fought. (yes, we tended to fight, and I actually remember liking it.) Who knows? Maybe we were meant to be, but I can’t keep thinking about the past. Keep moving forward, and all that.

Recently, in college, things changed somehow, but basically stayed the same. I found people like me, but I still felt like an outcast. I have found people that understand, which is nice, but I haven’t found that person. The person that I want to be with physically and emotionally, while he wants to be with me, too. I don’t know. Maybe I have to keep waiting? I have zero experience with this. I don’t like not knowing. It has been way too long…!

Who knows? Maybe, as I’m writing this, there’s someone thinking about me. Someone I haven’t even considered yet. Let’s hope. Let’s believe the future can be better! (Or that I can start enjoying to be single. Whichever comes first.)

I miss her.

Hello, people that follow my blog! This is a sad one, but it is also short. I hope you don’t mind.

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My aunt died today. I haven’t cried, I haven’t screamed, I haven’t showed any kind of emotion. All I feel is guilt. Why? Because I didn’t express my love towards her a lot lately. And I loved her, a lot. I regret not spending time with her. When I found out she had had a heart attack last Monday, I had resolved to spend more time with her. To work with her, to get to know her more. That’s after I stopped thinking in anatomical and physiological terms, of course. Because that’s me.

Anyway, last Thanksgiving, she and my uncle threw a party. Almost all my family went there, and I didn’t go because I was studying for finals and I was seriously tired from the test I had the day before. (Excuses, excuses, I know). That’s my defense mechanism… For a while today I thought I didn’t have any feelings, then I realized I just haven’t been able to imagine life without her. I just wish I had spent more time with her, I wish she knew how much I loved her, and how much I will miss seeing her work when I drove around my neighborhood.

Today, my family was united in a way I hadn’t seen in years. The fact that it happened because of this is sad, but I hope it stays this way. Losing someone that you care about is sad enough without knowing you could have done more for them. I hope I learned my lesson.

Say I love you once in a while, tell your family, tell your friends. Spend time with them, because you don’t know how much time you have left.

Love: My inexperience in that matter.

One of the things I have thought about the most throughout my life is the fact that I have never truly fallen in love. I mean, I have had crushes, yes, but I realize I am afraid of attaching myself to a person in that magnitude. I definitely wish I could get over that fear, especially as I’m getting older.

I don’t know if I should say this in my blog, but I’ve never been in a relationship. In fact, I’ve never even kissed anyone. I crave that kind of closeness, and I don’t know how to achieve it. People around me are all outgoing, believing in themselves, throwing themselves out there in the best possible way, and yet I’m stuck. I don’t know how to accept myself with all my flaws.

How can I accept someone else?
How can anyone accept me?

These are some of my thoughts, and my main reasons to be afraid.
I certainly wish I can one day fall in love, and realize it was as beautiful as I have always believed. I have read lots of books about love, read about hundreds of people falling in love, out of love and their reasons to do so. Then again, they’re fictional. Love is one of the most beautiful feelings in the world, and I want to live it for myself. I think I deserve it.