To a long lost friend

This post is a little bit different. It’s a letter -kind of like the one I posted years ago– These are the things I want to tell someone who hasn’t been in my life in a long time, but I miss them so much sometimes that I wish I could see them at least one more time.


Hi, friend.

It has definitely been a while. I’ve asked a lot of people about you and no one seems to know anything. I wonder if you are okay, if you have finally found what you wanted to do with your life, or if you always knew and never shared it with the world. You never shared many of your thoughts and dreams, only pieces. I probably overshared, but you always -or at least most of the time, when we weren’t fighting- listened.

I remember our last conversation- or at least where it was and how it felt. Do you? Probably not- I’m well aware you were a bigger part of my life than I was of yours. It felt peaceful, friendly again, like it hadn’t been in almost a year -or probably more. Sadly, I do not remember what we talked about- it has been 5 years since that day, and I would have paid more attention to it if I had known I wouldn’t see you again.

I wonder if you know that I do not want to be a doctor anymore -or at least a medical doctor, and that I’m studying to be a pharmacist. Can you believe this? -I most certainly wouldn’t… Did you hear about that?

I wonder if you know that I finally got to go to a Taylor Swift concert! That I made my dream come true- I remember you bought me Speak Now as a birthday gift-, and that I faced my fear of traveling alone. I wonder if you know that I don’t read as much anymore, that I don’t have the time, and that this makes me so sad I want to cry sometimes.

I wonder if you know how much I appreciated our friendship- no matter how much we fought- and that you are one of the people I care the most for, even after 5 years.

Anyway, I miss you. And part of the reason I keep my social media updated and public is because if you somehow found me, you’d be able to know how I’ve been, if you cared. Now that I think about it, it seems like a lomg shot. You abandoned social media long ago, and it seems unlikely that you would come back, but still. Hope never dies, I guess.

I hope to see you again someday, and that I get to tell you these things in person. I miss you so much!

Natalie


(And I just realized this post sounds like they’re dead. For the record- no, they’re not. They just haven’t been in my life for years, and I am pretty sure I won’t ever see them again.)

 

Dear Friend: An Assignment.

Today’s assignment is to write to my dream reader.

This post should also include a new to me element, so I will have to work on that. This has been hard for me, since I haven’t been heard a lot, and I haven’t even considered that someone would want to.

Who’s my dream reader? I am pretty sure that I want someone to truly listen, so that is my goal.

Most bloggers want publishers to approach them… but I am not sure if I want that. My dream audience is one that will interact with me. I want a community, and something really close to friendship. That is who my dream reader is: a friend. So. What would I write to a friend? Maybe a letter? Yes. I can try that.


Dear friend:

You are my dream reader. (You might laugh sarcastically because… why, of all the people in the world, would I want to write something for you.) It’s because I’ve never had a true friend before. The kind of person that would want to hear what I want to say, that would understand when I say I can’t go out. I wouldn’t have to make any excuses, and I wouldn’t be left out from your group. You. You are that person, that future person that actually cares. (Apart from my family, of course)

I do care about you. I don’t want you to assume I have a different sexual orientation (even if there’s nothing wrong with that) because I have been single for way too long. I don’t want you to stop talking when I talk about uncomfortable topics, and want you to understand when I stay silent because I want to listen to what you want to say.

I don’t want you to be mad at me when I act the way you act around other people, and am friendlier to them because I feel lonely. Because I have been feeling lonely. A lot. I want you to know how lonely it is to be me. To think there’s something wrong with me because I can’t interact well with people. To hide behind books (Because that’s what people think I do), because I can’t stand to be alone for so long. I have lived all my life like this. Thinking I have finally found someone who understands me, and then lose them.

I don’t think you know this. I hope you know how much I will appreciate your friendship, how long I have been waiting for friendship, and how insecure I will feel every time there’s a situation that threatens it. I will probably pull away because it will hurt more otherwise. I want you to know that.

In case you get to read this someday, friend, I want you to know: I love you. Thank you for existing, and I hope I get to find you someday soon.

Hugs,

Natalie.