Apologies.

Greetings. *dances my way into your Reader*

I’m back. You didn’t expect to hear (or read, for that matter) from me so soon, did you? *winks* I’m pretty sure this post won’t be as messy as the last one.

I also forgot to acknowledge that my (second!!) blogging anniversary was this past August. This has been a wild ride and I can’t wait for what awaits us, my dear followers!

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I have been thinking a lot about apologies and forgiveness lately. Sincere apologies are hard to come up with, unless you’re talking about me. (read my previous posts, for example. You’ll see most of them tagged with some sort of apology. 🙂 )

Me, 99.9% of the time.

I apologize about literally everything, from sneezing to accidentally bumping with someone. It’s second nature to me. It’s a wonder I don’t apologize for breathing!

There were lots of times when I apologized for things that were either:

1. Outside my control
2. Part of who I am as a person

I have recently understood why I’m like this. It has to do with the fact that I always believed I was less than everyone else. Less smart, less clever, less funny. I felt like everyone had this chip or programming that helped them act on certain situations, and I didn’t. Others simply knew better and I had no choice but to follow. I did not understand why people acted in a certain way.

It was frustrating to always wonder why I was alone. This was why I felt like I did not deserve to have friends (or at least, that I had to come out of my usual behavior or way of thinking to have them.) I felt like I had to apologize for simply hanging out with them. Or stop being myself, in a way. More than one person has expressed their concern about this to me. Someone literally said they hated hearing the words “I’m sorry” from me.

their reaction when I immediately apologized for apologizing too much

And I got why. Eventually.

“Apologizing does not always mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”
― Mark Matthews

This quote has much to do with my previous MO when it came to apologies (even though I hadn’t read it before researching for this post). I say previous, because these past few years, I’ve learned a LOT about myself. I’ve learned what I like and what I don’t. Most important of all, I’ve learned that I don’t like feeling like less than other people. And most of the time I valued relationships/friendships more than I valued myself! I did not realize how much I was hurting myself. Having to apologize frequently… it took a bit of myself every time I did it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when an apology is needed. When not apologizing makes you literally an asshole. The person who apologizes shouldn’t feel pressed by the one who will receive the apology, though. (By this, I mean: you can tell the person directly that you feel hurt by what they did… after explaining what they did. But the apology should come directly from that person.) The whole point of the apology is that it has to be genuine, sincere… and pushing someone to apologize would take that away from it. It would be wrong, in a way.

Still, an apology is always a good way to fix things, and it’s nice to know that a genuine one can help rebuild a relationship. 🙂

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I am aware that this post might make me sound sort of selfish, but I’ve realized these things about myself along the way… and this blog is all about discovering myself. It’s interesting how, even being almost 21 years old, I keep discovering things I did not know, and somehow growing into a person I did not expect becoming… even though I sometimes realize I’m not as good a person as I thought before. Thanks for reading! 

Any thoughts? Suggestions? The comments are open! 🙂

*gasps* A new post.

Welcome back to my blog! I’ve been deep into the study- and-KDrama-watching cave (If you follow me on Twitter, you should know that I’m basically obsessed with Moonlight Drawn by Clouds. Sorry to all of those who find it a bit lacking? I don’t! *is hopelessly in love with Park Bo Gum*). So that’s why I have not been here… since JULY. I’m here to basically procrastinate before studying for my statistics exam! On the bright side, you get to read about me…! I don’t think that is truly a bright side… but still… It’s so good you’re here!

PS. I’m aware there was a new post alert during the past week… I posted something by mistake and deleted it quite quickly 🙂  

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You might be wondering (probably not): What has Nat been up to these days?

The answer is… about everything and nothing all at once. I might have to divide this post in sub posts… If I don’t this might get messy. 🙂

I took my PCAT.

(I did tell you I was going to try to be an adult these months… I am turning 21 this November, you know) Remember how I said I would study a lot? And exercise a lot?

And you probably reacted like this?

I only got to General Chemistry and worked from there. But my results were quite good! So I still haven’t lost my touch. (Except for Math.)

I should have written a post after taking the PCAT. It was honestly an experience. At first we couldn’t reach the place because our GPS wasn’t working. We got there 15 minutes before my friend’s testing window began. I had 15 more minutes to prepare… and then it was my turn. (We shall NOT talk about the picture they took of me. It was honestly awful).

Those next four hours are now pretty much a blur… but I remember being so anxious because I was running out of time at so many of the sections! TWO of the lectures on my Critical Reading section had to do with literature. That was nice, especially as they had to do with culture and what could be considered as a national literature. I was honestly so interested on that topic!

I basically smiled like this. The proctor must have been quite worried about my mental sanity.

And then Math arrived. Those were pretty much the worst 45 minutes of my life… only overran by my first Pre-calculus 2 test on my freshman year. Oh, boy, was that a disaster. Although I could have done a bit worse? I have no idea.

My friend and I went to eat afterwards… and then arrived to a mass/baptism/wedding. -At first I thought it would be so long and I was so tired already…! But my romantic side came out quite quickly, the wedding was so cute, and seeing them be so excited about marrying? That made me so happy, even if I had no idea who they were. -We then got to my friend’s home and watched movies and Coffee Prince. It was nice. (And I cried with one of those movies. María, I know you’re reading this. I still hate you. :D)

So I’m now working on my application. (oh, well… I started it today. Happy?) I still have to ask two of my professors for letters of reference… and that scares me to no end. I mean, who should I ask? I don’t think any of my professors likes me enough to make a nice one for me. I’ll try, though. Maybe one of them can surprise me. I also have to write an essay! I need to see if my writing skills are up to par with what they are asking for! 🙂

Blackouts and funerals

There was this huge blackout in Puerto Rico. You MUST have heard about it on the news (or at least seen it somehow online?) It lasted about 2 days and a half and people either played Pokémon Go on the streets or watched the stars. They looked amazing! There are beautiful pictures people posted online because there wasn’t any light pollution. I basically used my family’s flashlight to reread The Assassin’s Blade and rest. (I had not rested at all during the PCAT weekend. I was exhausted).

The day after it started, I got the news: My aunt (she was my deceased aunt’s twin sister) had died that morning, and I hadn’t found out because we were all out of battery. So my dad called from Texas, and both my grandma and my aunt’s sister arrived at the same time. That was when I realized something was wrong. I literally started shaking, and my mom couldn’t stop crying. I think that moment will be stuck in my mind for the rest of my life… especially as it was only 4 days since my grandma’s death anniversary. My dad came home for a week, then, after I booked his tickets. It was nice, since he’ll come back again this Christmas. I mean, the circumstances were rough but there was a bright side to all of this.

Stray thoughts…

So… basically, some things have changed, but a lot has stayed the same. I’m taking six classes this semester. (Please remind me of WHY I took this decision?) Some of them are easy, some of them are harder, but all of them take too much time from my hands! Time I could be using for blogging… (Who am I kidding? I would use it to be online, watching TV shows or reading.

I’m also still quite excited about my Instax camera! It feels like I’m creating these tangible memories when I take those pictures. I’m planning on decorating one of the walls of my room and fill it with instant photos. Be sure to follow me on Instagram to see if I follow through with that promise. 🙂

So here I am… listening to the Descendants of the Sun soundtrack and simply writing to procrastinate. I might have some more things to say quite soon, so please come back and check if I have posted my latest rant.

*signs off with a Park Bo Gum gif*