*knocks* Anyone there?

*insert hey, how you doing gif of your preference*

How long has it been? *counts with her fingers* oh. Two years. I haven’t written here in TWO YEARS???

(also what in the world is happening with the post editor? I have no idea what I’m do– *inhales, exhales* Okay. I can handle this.*)

What is this post even about? I have no idea but we’ll figure it out on the run. If you follow this blog you’re probably a twitter follower so you probably know what’s up. (Who am I kidding? No one reads this anymore lol)

However, I wanted to give an update. I feel like I forgot about this blog for years and it’s not fair to me and what I wanted to do, which was to document?? my journey to wherever I am going?

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I’m a (licensed) pharmacist!

… or I have been, since October 2021.

Where did I leave you? *thinks* Oh. It’s been a while. I was just starting my APPEs (in case you forgot, this stands for Advanced Pharmacy Practice Experiences). Most of them ended up being remote, but I had two experiences in community which ended up useful to find a job, which means, (spoiler) yes. I ended up in retail. (But the biggest surprise is that I did land a job!)

I survived, graduated, passed my NAPLEX (waiting for my results took way too long but whatever) and now I am licensed.

(4) passed my boards, earned my license! pic.twitter.com/MqM0lOBrls

— natalie 🧣 (@fearlesslynat) December 31, 2021

I did apply for a residency, but it didn’t work, cried a little but I’m okay now 🙂

Anywho, I got an internship on a community setting, worked as a licensed pharmacist there for 7 months, and now I am about to be a *breathes* pharmacy manager. (Who am I? I always said I wouldn’t ever do this, but I’m kind of excited to take this challenge. And to finally wear scrubs again!) I took a bit of a vacation time which means I have time to talk to you *insert Joe Goldberg gif HERE*.

So… There’s the professional update! Obviously that took literal two years so if you have any questions about applying for the NAPLEX or whatever, I’m here.

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Reading?

*shakes head already* To be fair, not much. I have been rereading the Throne of Glass books because it’s been a while and I wanted to remember what it felt to read those plot twists, and I miss all of these characters. Sadly, I’m on Book #1 and I want to see Rowan again. This will take a while.

I didn’t have time to read much (or do much? to be fair) at my former job because of my schedule, so I’m looking forward to being able to read more.

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Watching?

hm. So I’ve been watching Spy x Family because I haven’t had an original thought in my life.

I made my mom and my best friend start watching and get obsessed with it and it has been one of the best experiences ever. None of them are habitual anime watchers but somehow this story appeals to them. (I’m also up to date with the manga translation but I keep getting surprised with the anime. I love this story will all my heart <3)

I’ve also been watching Westworld because of my love for Ben Barnes (this was a short lived affair) and because of my bestie ❤ (Okay, the story is also great, but he was my main motivation)

As for Kdramas, I haven’t been watching much! (help, who am I?) except for Again My Life, and I’m anxiously waiting for ADAMAS. (Remember my love for Ji Sung?)

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Hi, if somehow you’re here, I’m glad. This was basically an exercise to see if I could somehow still do this. And I think I can? (And of course, now that I’ll have time to myself, perhaps I’ll even post about movies/books/tv shows/music again)

I don’t know if anyone is reading, but this somehow feels like a new season in my life. New characters and plot, and yet, I haven’t felt more like myself. Let’s hope I can finally find the life I always wanted to live ❤

This somehow also felt like an answer to my first ever post.

I want to keep track of what I’m becoming, and to have a record I can visit when I’m doubtful of my choices and my future.

hello, world.– my first ever blog post

Thank you for reading, let’s see each other again;

Nat ^.^

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The feeling of home

Hi, everyone! I have been MIA for a while for various reasons- mainly because of hurricane Maria (and more recently, I haven’t had much time to do anything but study.) Still, I wanted to share this. I wrote it around 3 weeks after the hurricane hit.

Before you read it, just know I’m kind of in a better place emotionally now, since uni has been an amazing distraction. I’ll probably write more about that later- but for now, here’s this post.

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I might have listened to Bridget Mendler’s ‘Hurricane’ more times than it is socially acceptable during and after a category 5 hurricane.

Okay, bear with me. You’ve more than certainly have heard about Maria’s passage through Puerto Rico during the past 3 weeks (?) Things were rough, they still are. And even I tend to forget that.

I lost my home’s roof in a category 5 hurricane and I forget that. How is that even possible? I have had more than a few thoughts about leaving.

Listening to the news and hearing about people crying while getting hot meals? Listening to the news and hearing people begging for water!

Puerto Rico’s economy was in a crisis, a bad one. And Maria made it even worse. A catastrophic hurricane hadn’t passed though my country in almost a century… and then we lived my grandmother’s stories about that hurricane that basically traumatized her.

I probably will remember those sounds for the rest of my life. The feeling that it wouldn’t ever end, that we were stuck on a loop.

Sometimes I wake up and think everything is normal until I see my surroundings and remember it’s not. That I don’t have a (physical) home anymore. And that sincerely sucks.

Category 5 hurricanes suck. And 3 weeks after that? Yep. Still does.

“At least we have milk”,
“at least we have gasoline”,
“at least we have ice”
“At least-” and we start comparing our situation to other people who are literally living without a roof or access to water, or food with no outside help whatsoever. I honestly hate this. I might -MIGHT- be okay, but this whole situation took a toll on me. And it has been almost a month, and some things have normalized, but I still have to enter my (former, destroyed) home- house to search for things I can salvage- several times. Honestly, seeing my room in such a state left me almost numb. I started looking for things almost methodically, without any feelings, until that was not possible at all.

I see the post-it’s from people who sent me messages- ruined. I see some of my books- the ones I couldn’t save- ruined.

And then I think- I should know I am lucky. My extended family lent us a house while we can rebuild. I have an apartment rented that’s basically intact, I am going to start classes again this week.

But still- intend to forget. I lost my home. And how do you go on from that? From the memories, from their childhood innocence that made you think things were better than they were?

I still don’t have the answer to these questions. I probably never will, but it’s nice to write these things.

I have cried a couple of times after Maria, for several situations but it mostly accounts for one thing: the loss of a feeling I probably won’t recover for a while: the sense of home.

Apologies.

Greetings. *dances my way into your Reader*

I’m back. You didn’t expect to hear (or read, for that matter) from me so soon, did you? *winks* I’m pretty sure this post won’t be as messy as the last one.

I also forgot to acknowledge that my (second!!) blogging anniversary was this past August. This has been a wild ride and I can’t wait for what awaits us, my dear followers!

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I have been thinking a lot about apologies and forgiveness lately. Sincere apologies are hard to come up with, unless you’re talking about me. (read my previous posts, for example. You’ll see most of them tagged with some sort of apology. 🙂 )

Me, 99.9% of the time.

I apologize about literally everything, from sneezing to accidentally bumping with someone. It’s second nature to me. It’s a wonder I don’t apologize for breathing!

There were lots of times when I apologized for things that were either:

1. Outside my control
2. Part of who I am as a person

I have recently understood why I’m like this. It has to do with the fact that I always believed I was less than everyone else. Less smart, less clever, less funny. I felt like everyone had this chip or programming that helped them act on certain situations, and I didn’t. Others simply knew better and I had no choice but to follow. I did not understand why people acted in a certain way.

It was frustrating to always wonder why I was alone. This was why I felt like I did not deserve to have friends (or at least, that I had to come out of my usual behavior or way of thinking to have them.) I felt like I had to apologize for simply hanging out with them. Or stop being myself, in a way. More than one person has expressed their concern about this to me. Someone literally said they hated hearing the words “I’m sorry” from me.

their reaction when I immediately apologized for apologizing too much

And I got why. Eventually.

“Apologizing does not always mean you’re wrong and the other person is right. It just means you value your relationship more than your ego.”
― Mark Matthews

This quote has much to do with my previous MO when it came to apologies (even though I hadn’t read it before researching for this post). I say previous, because these past few years, I’ve learned a LOT about myself. I’ve learned what I like and what I don’t. Most important of all, I’ve learned that I don’t like feeling like less than other people. And most of the time I valued relationships/friendships more than I valued myself! I did not realize how much I was hurting myself. Having to apologize frequently… it took a bit of myself every time I did it.

Don’t get me wrong, there are times when an apology is needed. When not apologizing makes you literally an asshole. The person who apologizes shouldn’t feel pressed by the one who will receive the apology, though. (By this, I mean: you can tell the person directly that you feel hurt by what they did… after explaining what they did. But the apology should come directly from that person.) The whole point of the apology is that it has to be genuine, sincere… and pushing someone to apologize would take that away from it. It would be wrong, in a way.

Still, an apology is always a good way to fix things, and it’s nice to know that a genuine one can help rebuild a relationship. 🙂

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I am aware that this post might make me sound sort of selfish, but I’ve realized these things about myself along the way… and this blog is all about discovering myself. It’s interesting how, even being almost 21 years old, I keep discovering things I did not know, and somehow growing into a person I did not expect becoming… even though I sometimes realize I’m not as good a person as I thought before. Thanks for reading! 

Any thoughts? Suggestions? The comments are open! 🙂

oh. It’s another post about love.

For a person who doesn’t know romantic love at all I surely write a lot about it…   I tried to prepare myself to write this with my romantic playlist.

Yes, this is an Anna and the French Kiss quote. It’s one of my favorite romantic books and Etienne St. Clair is one of the main reasons I have so many unrealistic expectations.

But then again, it’s Valentine’s Day! My Uni’s celebration was last Thursday, so everyone had it in mind –including my professors. You could feel the love in the air… or at least the smell of the roses and chocolate people were giving each other because they think they are in love.

Something like this?

My professor said something about this. Being in love isn’t the same thing than actually loving someone. Loving is a choice. You will eventually lose those neurotransmitters that made you attracted to the person in the first place. You will need to find tangible reasons to stay with them, and consciously decide to do it.

“I fell in love with him. But I don’t just stay with him by default as if there’s no one else available to me. I stay with him because I choose to, every day that I wake up, every day that we fight or lie to each other or disappoint each other. I choose him over and over again, and he chooses me.”
― Veronica Roth, Allegiant

Incredibly, that was not the first time this week I heard something like this. I had a conversation with someone that made me think about this… someone who said had always believed marriage was forever, but does not think so anymore. Marriage is hard, and it’s not only about love, but an actual compromise. It’s about being the person’s best friend, about never letting go, even if sometimes you might think you want to.**

**Not talking about abuse here (emotional or physical). Health is more important than having a partner who doesn’t appreciate you. Just wanted to make this clear. I was just talking about the times when you might think nothing is left but being next to each other for the rest of your lives.

“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― Friedrich Nietzsche

I have always thought serious conversations must be had in early stages of the relationship, unless you want a deal-breaker event to suddenly appear just before getting married or even after. For example, I don’t think I will ever want children of my own. (Not because I don’t like children in general, I just don’t believe I will be good for them). That’s something I will have to talk over with my future partner… and make some accords with him, just as there will be things about him that we’ll have to talk about. And that’s okay… nothing and no one is perfect and will ever be.

 “You don’t love someone because they’re perfect, you love them in spite of the fact that they’re not.”
― Jodi Picoult, My Sister’s Keeper

I don’t ever want to become one of these people who don’t believe love is not real, because deep in my heart, I know it is. (even if some of the time, I am also this person)

I believe in hard work, in showing with actions how much you actually love them. Don’t get me wrong –roses and chocolates are definitely nice, but when it becomes a mindless exercise, when you don’t give the actual giving part much thought, that becomes the problem. I have always believed Valentine’s Day is meaningless if you don’t show the person you love how much you love them during the other 364 –sorry, 365 on this year –days of the year. Be it with some help, with a kiss, with a hug, with some words written on a card (or even a funny video!), don’t stop making the choice of being in love with the person next to you. Believe me, coming from a person who has never gone through any of it, you’re experiencing a true blessing.

New y- semester, new me!

Greetings, Earthlings (I’ve officially ran out of ways to greet you, guys. I need to brainstorm)

I haven’t seen you all since… my birthday, isn’t it?

The truth is… that not much has happened since then. This Christmas was bound to be kind of hard because of all the things that happened last year, but life goes on! *shrugs*. I did spend my whole break at home watching Netflix (I finished Buffy! That’s something! I’m still behind on House of Cards and Merlin, so shh with the spoilers!) and movies (like Star Wars. I still have to watch the original trilogy, Episodes VI and VII. I need TIME!). I didn’t read much, except for rereading the Shatter Me trilogy and the Throne of Glass books… I did go out with my friends on a hike. It was fun, but my legs hurt like crazy for the next week or so. Exercising this year is a MUST!

(When did WordPress create this collage thing, anyway? It is so cool!)

I guess the thing that changed the most was the fact that I decided to change my study (and general) habits for the better. I know, I know, I always say this. There’s always a start, and this is mine. I won’t take Physics this semester, but I’ll take Developmental Biology… which apparently is kind of hard? I’m hoping I can survive and live to tell the tale, like I always end up doing with you all, my dear followers. Hopefully I’ll get to blog more as I keep getting used to how life is happening.

Anyway, I have to go. Uni starts tomorrow, even though I’m in this huge denial pit.

*hugs*

Nat

Humans adapt; so will I.

One of my favorite quotes (even if it’s from one of my not-so favorite books, Allegiant) is:

“Change, like healing, takes time.” 

While hard events are going on in your life, it is hard to imagine if things will ever be okay again, whether things changed for the better.

One of my Biology professors once told me every living thing has something it is good at, something that comes by instinct. He asked us what we thought our superpower -for lack of a better word -was. (Let’s be honest. It’s a good question. Most animals follow patterns, have a function on the environment. What do humans do on Earth? I’m sure I spent like five minutes trying to answer that question) Finally, he gave us the answer: Humans adapt to their environment, and change everything around them. (Not that it’s always a good thing!)

That’s the answer to my previous question. Things will be okay, because nothing is forever, and we can adapt to those changes. Life during this past month hasn’t been exactly easy, but we’ve been slowly adapting to this new way of life; my brother, my mom and I videochat with my dad every night, and we are cooperating way more with each other chore-wise.

Things have been specially hard on my mom. They have been together for 25 years… This has been a learning process for all of us. We’ve all had to learn something. We’re slowly becoming more independent, and life does go on, even if adapting to those changes is definitely not easy. I’ve decided I’ll do my best… (Especially if I want to get into graduate school close to him and my mom, in the future). I most definitely miss life as it was some months ago, but I still believe in what I wrote a year ago: Some things do not happen because of a reason in particular, but you must do your best with what you have and fight for what you want.

Wow, reading this post you might think: Whoa, Nat is going through a rough patch and there’s no positivity in her life! But that’s not exactly true. There have been some nice things in my life lately. Yesterday, for example, was a particularly good day. I had my ACS initiation and had a good time with my friends.

So, that’s how life goes: There are some good days, and some not so great. But it is like that for everyone. I’ll get used to it in time. And I’ll be here, like I always am, to tell my story. 🙂

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TL;DR: I’ve been trying to get used to life after my dad had to move; it hasn’t been easy, but we’re all adapting to everything. Lately life has been nice, thanks to my friends, and hopefully I’ll still be here, blogging all about it. 🙂

PS: Yes, I got a new haircut. I did tell you about it on my last post but I didn’t show you all. 🙂

A much needed update

My last post was a month ago… so I really shouldn’t need to say that I had to skip the remainder of the weeks on Writing101 (I’m sorry, I really am. I was having so much fun!). Then again, things happened. (this post will explain) So many things did, and I had to take some time to just stop and think about how things are going to work now that my grandma has been gone for almost a month, and that my dad is working at Texas. (I miss him like crazy…it’s his birthday tomorrow, the first one where we won’t be together. It’s been two whole weeks.)

It’ll be a while until we can take a picture like this one again. These next two years will be long as hell. pic.twitter.com/2pHgxWhOxG

— natalie. (@AelinsFireheart) September 26, 2015

I’ve been through an adaptation period, so I might have been really cranky. Posting things during this past month would have meant angry posting -especially about my Physics lab. Ugh-  And that’s definitely not okay! My blog is my positive haven. My Twitter? Entirely a different thing. Some other, positive things have happened:

How. Did. This. Happen? #physics pic.twitter.com/upF27aS1nf

— natalie. (@AelinsFireheart) October 1, 2015

^^ I had really negative expectations about my Physics class… but I’m happy. My professor is seriously crazy, but he’s really passionate about this whole thing. (Kind of awkward, too, but that’s expected. I really like him.)

Well, this is it. A short one, But I owed it to you all.

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P.S: I also owe you a picture of my new haircut, but I really must go and study.:D

xoxo, Nat

A Year Ago…

I cannot believe it, people. My blog is officially a year old!

Actual Proof

When I published my first post, I did not expect to stay. You see, I’m not very consistent with what I do. A year ago, I was nervous about my Organic Chemistry class, I did not know if I would pass… yet I did. So many things have happened since then, and some are still the same. This past year I learned so much about me, about my life, and how I’m living it. I still have so much to learn, to do, and to reflect on. Science, Books and Silly Things is here to STAY.

I’ve met so many amazing people; some have been here from the start, others have joined along the way. Thanks to them and their advice, I’ve done and realized things I would never have even considered without them. (You guys know who you are! *hugs*) I’m so glad I surrendered to the pressure and started this blog. (Even if sometimes I spend weeks and even months without updating, I am here and will probably won’t leave in a long time).

If anyone feels they need to organize their thoughts and their life, my immediate advice is to start a diary or a blog. To share your thoughts online might seem like a dangerous feat… I was afraid at first. But the great thing about it is that people can and will share theirs back. That’s one of the best ways to learn and to look at things from other people’s points of view.

I’ve blogged about college, friends, about my family and about books… My blog is a mess, but it’s a mess I’m proud of. I’m really happy about how it has all turned out. I can’t wait to keep sharing these little snippets of my thoughts, life and dreams with you all. This blog (and you, my few but faithful followers) are some of the things I’m most thankful for. As I’m slowly maturing and venturing into *shudders* adulthood, it’s nice to know I’ll have people to share everything with. Thank you for following. It has been a ride, and it is definitely NOT over yet!

love,

Nat x

I wish I was Peter Pan.

Why does growing up and opening my eyes hurt this much? I wish I didn’t find out about certain things.

I guess sometimes it feels better to stay in the dark.

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PS. I’m okay. I just didn’t know certain things were happening (or not happening, whatever)

Relationships and Desirability (aka “Maybe I’m the problem?”)

I have already written about this, but I don’t care.

Hello, everyone. May I direct you to a previous post that has a lot to do with what I feel right now? Things haven’t changed at all since that day, so yeah…

Don’t get me wrong. I can see the perks of being single, and I am enjoying some of them, the sense of freedom, you know. I just have a lot of trouble feeling like I could be… what’s the word? Oh, yes, desirable. That someone could be with me because they actually like me. Like I said in the post I linked earlier, I have not fallen in love… yet, and although I have had a few offers (Yes, I’m using this word purposefully) to be in a relationship, I don’t feel they’re serious. (Besides, there’s always the “you like me, I like someone else” situation. I have talked about this with my mom. She seems to agree.) That has happened to me a few times, and I have had a hard time believing I could ever be in a relationship.

My friends don’t believe I’ve never been in a relationship before. My lab partner recently even used the word “gorgeous” to describe me. It’s not that I don’t believe her, it’s just that my whole life, people have never noticed me the way I want to be noticed. I was the bookworm, the one that always spent her time alone at the library because people did not understand how much I loved books.

When my brother was talking to us about his experience with relationships, (yes, my “little” brother) my mom talked about how people his age tend to play with the idea of love. I told my mother I didn’t go through that stage, and she said I did. That there was this person I could have been with in high school and he could have thought I wasn’t the one because of which books I liked and how we fought. (yes, we tended to fight, and I actually remember liking it.) Who knows? Maybe we were meant to be, but I can’t keep thinking about the past. Keep moving forward, and all that.

Recently, in college, things changed somehow, but basically stayed the same. I found people like me, but I still felt like an outcast. I have found people that understand, which is nice, but I haven’t found that person. The person that I want to be with physically and emotionally, while he wants to be with me, too. I don’t know. Maybe I have to keep waiting? I have zero experience with this. I don’t like not knowing. It has been way too long…!

Who knows? Maybe, as I’m writing this, there’s someone thinking about me. Someone I haven’t even considered yet. Let’s hope. Let’s believe the future can be better! (Or that I can start enjoying to be single. Whichever comes first.)