Relationships and Desirability (aka “Maybe I’m the problem?”)

I have already written about this, but I don’t care.

Hello, everyone. May I direct you to a previous post that has a lot to do with what I feel right now? Things haven’t changed at all since that day, so yeah…

Don’t get me wrong. I can see the perks of being single, and I am enjoying some of them, the sense of freedom, you know. I just have a lot of trouble feeling like I could be… what’s the word? Oh, yes, desirable. That someone could be with me because they actually like me. Like I said in the post I linked earlier, I have not fallen in love… yet, and although I have had a few offers (Yes, I’m using this word purposefully) to be in a relationship, I don’t feel they’re serious. (Besides, there’s always the “you like me, I like someone else” situation. I have talked about this with my mom. She seems to agree.) That has happened to me a few times, and I have had a hard time believing I could ever be in a relationship.

My friends don’t believe I’ve never been in a relationship before. My lab partner recently even used the word “gorgeous” to describe me. It’s not that I don’t believe her, it’s just that my whole life, people have never noticed me the way I want to be noticed. I was the bookworm, the one that always spent her time alone at the library because people did not understand how much I loved books.

When my brother was talking to us about his experience with relationships, (yes, my “little” brother) my mom talked about how people his age tend to play with the idea of love. I told my mother I didn’t go through that stage, and she said I did. That there was this person I could have been with in high school and he could have thought I wasn’t the one because of which books I liked and how we fought. (yes, we tended to fight, and I actually remember liking it.) Who knows? Maybe we were meant to be, but I can’t keep thinking about the past. Keep moving forward, and all that.

Recently, in college, things changed somehow, but basically stayed the same. I found people like me, but I still felt like an outcast. I have found people that understand, which is nice, but I haven’t found that person. The person that want to be with physically and emotionally, while he wants to be with me, too. I don’t know. Maybe I have to keep waiting? I have zero experience with this. I don’t like not knowing. It has been way too long…!

Who knows? Maybe, as I’m writing this, there’s someone thinking about me. Someone I haven’t even considered yet. Let’s hope. Let’s believe the future can be better! (Or that I can start enjoying to be single. Whichever comes first.)


6 thoughts on “Relationships and Desirability (aka “Maybe I’m the problem?”)

  1. I went through this, Nat! I can’t say it was exactly what you’re going through, because everyone filters everything through their own experiences and outlook, but I can see so much of myself in your post it’s scary. I didn’t think I’d ever be in a relationship. I always felt like I couldn’t attract people who I was attracted to. I could attract people, just not those I was interested in entering a relationship with. I wondered if maybe it was me or something. Were my expectations too high? Was I not giving the right person a chance? Did I need to go out more?

    The one time I entered into a relationship just because I thought maybe I could work on it and somehow turn “normal” or something, I was miserable! I felt suffocated. I couldn’t form any meaningful connection with this person.

    After that, I had a hard time entering any sort of relationship that didn’t feel right. I went on dates, but quickly felt that need to run away. Something just didn’t feel right. I thought this would be a problem I had forever.

    But you know, I’m glad I followed my instinct because what I thought I wanted, wasn’t really what I wanted. I think those reactions to run, was my heart telling me that. I dreamed of romance, marriage, kids, house, and the works, but it wasn’t truly who I was. It took me many years to realize that. I had this conflict going on I didn’t even know about–the life of romance and traditional relationship, and then the life where I’m traveling and going on adventures and having a deep, emotional, and supportive relationship.

    But when I wasn’t looking, I became good friends with someone who loves all the different parts of me and we’ve been together ever since.

    TL;DR: Trust your instinct. Sometimes your brain is trying to tell you something you’re not consciously acknowledging, yet. You deserve the type of relationship you dream of. You deserve someone who loves you for you, and has a desire to support you in your dreams and help you reach your goals. Don’t settle. You’ll get there–and most likely, when you’re not even looking.

    Liked by 1 person

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