I wrote this three or four months ago. It’s the true reason I wrote a blog, and I thought I might share it with you. 🙂
I have decided I’m going to be more open to feelings and towards people. Don’t get me wrong. I won’t tell everything about me to everyone that gets close to me. I just mean I’m going to be braver and I’m not going to be guided by first impressions or instincts. I could say that I will still follow my gut, but I will try to be more sociable… And awake.
I have been wrong too many times in the past. I can’t let my wrong impressions to guide me. That is why I’ve thought to keep a blog. Obviously my blog won’t be about my life. At least not most of it. I just want to have a record of what I will do the next year and so. Maybe it will let me guide myself and discover things about myself. It will also free my mind from this horrible writer’s block I’ve been going through. I thought about this idea while watching The Lizzie Bennet Diaries.
I also want my thoughts to be clearer and not be influenced my other people’s opinions. I have let that happen for too long. I guess my wake up call was when my friend told me I only did things to make other people happy, and that’s true. This is my hamartia, and I’m endeavoring to get past it.
I am also endeavoring not to get distracted from my goals. I want to be a professional. I want to be somebody and that will not happen if I don’t listen to myself. I want to be honest to both myself and my loved ones. This will be hard to achieve since I’ve hidden behind a lot of walls (books, music, the internet) and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I will become more awake from now on. I will study hard, be the person I can be, without any distractions.
When I went to that psychiatrist a year ago, I discovered something: I do not make eye contact with people. I hadn’t noticed that before he told me. It’s hard for me to communicate. It’s hard for me to follow people’s expectations of me. Sometimes I think I’m not as smart as other people think I am.
So I need to learn. I need to meet myself once and for all. I also need to start loving the true Nat, as no one will truly love me until I love myself.