Books: My Shelter.

For years, the thing that has kept me sane is to have a good book by my side. My parents say that I learned to read very early in life, which means even baby me knew what was going on!

I took shelter in literature. If I felt lonely, bored, or simply didn’t know what to do, I just took one of my books and started traveling. Mostly I traveled to Hogwarts, of course, but I also liked stories about kids like me, kids that felt left behind by their classmates.

I also thought I was different and that I wouldn’t have friends that would ever get me. That is why I resorted to the Internet, and I do not regret that decision. I made a lot of acquaintances and I felt closer to people I would never meet physically than to the classmates I saw everyday.

What connected us? Books. Endless talks about twelve Districts, five factions, four houses and sparkly vampires made me look forward to those precious hours online.

Then again, those hours online were (and still are) taking some time away from me. I wanted to go back to basics, to become the woman that I want to be. In order to do that, I had (still have) to learn how to interact with other people, to take social cues. Books have taught me a lot -more than any school-, but I lacked physical affection (not from my family, but from my peers)

That’s where college came in. You may think that “college is where you find where you belong” think is cliched, but it is so true. I found people whom I could interact with, that understood me on a deep level. I still have a long way to go, don’t get me wrong, but I am getting there.

Books are still my passion, and even though they do not form part of my future profession in a level I would like, I will always be one bookstore away from my literary fix.

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My Sophomore Year (So far) : Lit Courses + Science

As I said on my first post, I’m a Biology student. Needless to say, that does take some time from me. I need to invest in my future and what I’ll become later on. Also, I actually like what I’m doing. I don’t regret choosing Biology over Lit as my major. Let me explain myself. My Sophomore year has some perks I hadn’t contemplated.

Perk #1: I get to read a lot of lit this year.

This is why I haven’t had much time to read or write my own things. This semester I’m taking more classes, and both my Spanish and English courses are about lit genres. They don’t take as much time as my research English course, but I still need to invest some time on them. The nice thing about that is… I get to learn more about literature and how to analyze it!

My reader self is dancing right now, as both my professors are very supportive and love literature as an art. 

Perk #2: I’m finally learning a lot about the human body and how it works!

I also take my Science classes, which are part of my major. Those basically take 75% of my time (both the classes and the labs). Human Biology is my favorite class, and it’s the reason why I’m so optimistic about this whole year. Organic Chemistry takes a whole chunk of my time and energy, and I’m trying to learn how to love it. (If you have any tips, please refer to the comment section.)

And since nothing is perfect, there are some things that bother me.

I have a lot to say about my Social Sciences professor, but I’ve been taught that if there’s nothing good to say, it’s better to stay silent. All I will say is that I had some expectations about this class and she blew them. She has had a lot of chances to expand her horizons, yet she has a narrow mind. It’s sad to see, actually, especially since she’s studying people, and humanity has evolved. I wish she realizes this before it is too late. 

As for my reading habits (which have nothing to do with college), I’m trying not to procrastinate, which means I’m leaving them for the few free hours I get on the weekends. That’s how I got to read If I Stay last weekend. I don’t think I’ll get more chances like that anytime soon. I will try to sneak some reading time here and there to make things interesting and to have something not school related to blog about.

If I Stay: How life (and death) sometimes get in the way

Recently I jumped into the bandwagon and read If I Stay and Where She Went by Gayle Forman. I plan on watching the movie this weekend with my mom, who read the first one before I did. (It was really weird that mom read a YA, but that’s a whole other story) I was really touched by how Forman handled the whole situation, especially as someone that was close to me once had a similar situation. The girl I knew died a few days after the accident, and it united all the people she met throughout her life.

My point is, that girl had her whole life in front of her, and lost everything in a second. I hadn’t even thought of her in years until my friends told me she was in a critical state at the hospital. We all prayed for a miracle, but I guess she was meant to leave our lives this way. It hurts, though, and we’ll never forget her.

I guess we’ll never know if that girl went through the same thing Mia did. Maybe she was able to decide, or maybe not. This book made me wonder how I would act if that same thing happened to me. I think family is very important, and losing it all at once was a horrible moment for the main character. I don’t think I would be able to handle it. I love them too much. I don’t think they would want me to give up if I had the choice, though, so I guess that is a decision that would have to be made in the moment.

This post is not a review, although I loved both of the books because of how real Mia and Adam’s relationship was, and how it just makes you think. Life is really short, so we cannot waste it in any way. Life has a funny way of messing everything up, you know. It is up to us to get up and move on, while we still can.

Owning myself.

“You’re stronger than you believe. Don’t let your fear own you. Own yourself.”

This is a quote from one of my favorite trilogies (The Mara Dyer trilogy by Michelle Hodkin. You should read it, by the way) and I am trying to live up to it, even if that quote was written for a specific situation.

Sometimes I ask myself:

“What does owning myself even mean?”

Does it mean questioning all authority and constantly fighting the system? Or does it mean something deeper, like realizing how much pressure we put into everyone’s opinion of our actions? Fear can be paralyzing, and anxiety can take you to really dark places. I have been witness of how it can nearly ruin your life. However, that person could step up her game and take control of her life. This is not easy, as fear of failure is always a presence in our lives.

In my case, I am afraid of many things. I am very afraid of being alone. One would think that I could have learned my lesson many years ago, but growing up has surprisingly taken that independence away from me. That is scary as hell, as you can imagine. Now that I’m (technically) an adult, I’m expected to do things by myself and to analyze every situation. Honestly, I still don’t know what exactly I’m going to do with my life.

This doesn’t mean I’m not doing something about this. Actually, bit by bit I’m trying to open myself, even if people are not noticing it yet. I’m trying to leave the old Nat behind, hoping my good qualities will stay with me. I’m trying to embrace change. I have always thought I could handle change easily, but I hold on to certain parts of my past that can’t be fixed and I have to leave behind. Owning myself sometimes means letting go.

Owning oneself can mean different things depending on the situation. One thing is certain: giving up is not an option.